Growing Up

It doesn't actually take a lot to grow up, the timing just needs to be right. There have been some times where I've said, ”Ok, I've def grown up from this.”,  but I wasn't fully grown up from it yet. Everyday I learn something new about myself and different things around me.
I think yesterday I fully grew out of on being selfish. While I still don't prefer to be alone, it doesn't send me into a spiraling depression like it used to. I still don't have many friends to talk to or visit but I don't cry about it anymore. I suck it up and either go out and enjoy a movie on my own or just chill in the house on my own. But the one thing that I really realized yesterday is that when the one I love the most is upset I don't think about how he isn't talking to me 24/7. I'm more concerned about him telling me how he feels and coming to me for comfort. The reason I get upset isn't because he's not giving me attention like a little spoiled girl, it's because he doesn't want to come to me when he's upset. I do understand why for some of it though, I'm somewhat of the problem. I feel as if I've definitely failed him as a girlfriend. I'm supposed to be his rock. His go to friend. The one person he can trust. If he couldn't go to anyone he should feel comfortable enough to come to me. But I've let him down. I realized that on Monday the reason I was so down was because he was unhappy. I totally forgot about my issues and was so stuck on him. I've hurt someone that I love so much. He's hurting right now and I can't do anything to help comfort him. That's what bothers me the most. I prayed for him for a while last night because I feel at least can do that for him. I am a woman who prays and prayer and God can fix anything and He's always there for us. If I can't do anything else right now, I at least owe him that.

Morning Vent

I just want everything to be ok. I want everything to go back to the way it used to be. I'm so tired of this emotional rollercoaster. I wish it could be so simple to just say, "Ok, let's move on and work towards a better relationship" or "This isn't going to work, we need to break up". I'm not a big fan of slowly ripping the band-aid off at all. I don't like slow and painful anything. I like to rip the band aid off as fast as possible. I know not everyone works like that, and I can't even get mad at that. We all work differently. But I don't understand what's going on and you won't let me in. And it hurts so bad to hear you (or not hear you because you just sit on the phone in silence) when you're down. Part of me feels that way because I blame myself for how you feel. I know you have more than just our relationship to worry about, but when I talk to you and you don't tell me anything that's going on that's just what I assume. I know assuming can be bad, but that's just where my mind wonders to. You don't let me know anything that's going on at all. And I don't get it. I want to help you out. I want you to be happy. Maybe it's something that I just can't fix, but I want to be there to atleast let you vent or allow you to lean on a shoulder. Last Monday, my heart was filled with joy to talk to you and hear how happy you were. Last night felt so painful. I try my hardest not to let it show because the last thing I want you to be thinking about is how emotional I'm being along with whatever is bothering you. I've done a lot of spring cleaning within myself. I've been working on so much to make things better. Has the damage been too much for me to save things?Is it that unforgettable?What do you want me to do?I know you want a break and you don't want to talk, but then you have these moments where we talk on the phone it feels so refreshing and then the next day you don't want to talk or have nothing to say and you're cold again. What do you want me to do?I want to make you happy, but not at the expense to making a fool out of myself. I think I just need to cry it out.

I went to sleep with teary eyes and woke up this morning with teary eyes. Your mood affects mine. You have such a big impact on my life and my day. Work has been a drag. I've been trying to hide it but they can still see it in my face. I know I have to move on, but it's way more difficult than I thought.

Made me think of us...

...only he wouldn't be in the hospital...

I Reminisce

While I was leaving church I was thinking about things we used to do. Like when he used to come up to see me and had coupons clipped out for me in a baggy. Or when we used to stay up and watch Adult Swim EVERY Saturday. I remember when we talked over twitter about shows we missed. Just thinking about all of that makes me remember how much he really is my best friend. Like, I don't think I've ever had a best friend as great as him. Everyday I don't talk to him hurts. I remember when we used to talk from 9pm until 4am. I remember the roses I got for our 1 year anniversary. Now, I'm left wondering is he thinking about me? I remember when he came over and stayed with me for the first night, helped me bathe, and laid beside me and waited for me to fall asleep as he whispered "I won't ever let anything bad happen to you." I'll never forget that. It was like a movie. It made me smile when I thought about that night when he went to red box and got Date Night and Shutter Island and ate chinese food with that nasty four loko. I want to go back to that. Why can't we go back to that? That time he came up on his birthday and surprised me at my front door with his cake in his hand. I cried that night because I was so happy and had spent that whole day alone. He came to spend his birthday with me and make me happy, too. I pray that we get back to the good old days or somewhere close.

I need a moment

Since I can't talk or text you I'm writing something on here that you probably won't see:

I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. I feel like everyone's where they need to be at but me at times. I just don't get it. I don't even know what to do about this thing anymore. How are things supposed to get better if we don't communicate our feelings? I may not understand everything you're going through, but I just feel like as your girlfriend I'm here to make you feel better. I'm here to let you vent. Even when things are rougb between us, the least I could do is let you blow some steam off rather than suppressing everything. I have to guess at how you feel and pray you're feeling fine. We're already 425+ miles away from each other. You have more than enough space to yourself. When you don't want to talk, what do you do? Don't call or text. When you don't want to see me what do you do? Not a damn thing because I'm nowhere near you anyway. You have all this space and time. I call every other day to check on you because I want to make sure you're feeling ok and because I miss you. I get that you're confused. I really do. But the one thing thag shouldn't be an issue for you is space and me not giving you a proper break. You call and text me just as much as I call and text you. If you want a real break then just break up with me. Screw what anyone else is telling you about there being so many other girls up there for you or whatever they tell you. I'm guessing that's not your thing because you haven't acted on it which is fine.  It's clear you want to be with me, you've even told me yourself. I don't know maybe I'm just having a moment. I want you to know how I feel. I want you to know everything. But karma is a bitch and she's sittin real cozy beside me right now. I want things to be ok. I just don't know what to do to get your mind away from that situation. Maybe it's just time. Time heals all wounds. It's been a little over a month since this happened. You clearly need more time. Well that's fine, but don't expect me to just leave you alone. I love you way too much to do that. And I will continue to fight for you. Even when I'm upset or pissed off like now. No matter what you better believe I'm not going anywhere. I know you're the one and even if I have to vent every weekend about this on here until things are fine, then so be it.

"You betta fight!"

For the past week I've had the same 3 women talk to me about my relationship. Now, 2 out of 3 of these women know what's going on. I'm not sure about that 3rd one, but you never know. But they all keep telling me the same thing. "Fight for your man!" Evidently, what I'm doing now is not enough and it's not going to get me far...as per my lady friends. At first I just listened to them and kind of brushed it off, but the more and more I hear from them and the more I think about it, it makes me think, "Am I really doing what's right to keep my man around?" Part of me thinks, yes, I'm doing what I need to do. But I do have a part of me that thinks I need to fight harder to keep my man...well, not to "keep" him, I guess I mean to make the situation better? Ehh, I know what I mean I just can't put it into words. As long as I get it, that's all that matters. I guess the one thing I keep asking myself is, what do I do? How am I supposed to "fight" for my man? It sounds like a good idea when they say it, but what do they actually mean? Up until now I've been to myself about a lot of this, but I'm starting to think I need to talk to someone about this. I've been getting some crazy feedback from friends since I stopped telling them what's been going on and I think it's funny. I disagree with a lot of what one of my friends has been telling me. It's hard to take advice from someone who's on their 3rd marriage (no offense to her, just sayin'). But I guess if you think about it, wouldn't she know more about relationships? Or at least what to look for in a bad relationship? Or just things to avoid? Being that I'm extra tired tonight, I think I'm going to take some time to ponder over all of this. I wonder what I should do, if anything at all....

P.S. I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL!!!! WOOHOOO!!!! Starting August 2012 I will be apart of the Class of 2014 Master of Social Work Program!!!!! Yay!!! Go me!!!! 

It was all a dream...

Last night I dreamt that I was sitting on my couch when someone knocked on my door. My mom went to open the door and as soon as she opened it she started smiling saying, ”I knew you'd come to visit”. It was Mr. Everyday. He had on comfortable clothes with a bag in his hand. When he came in he came right over to me and put his hands on my face and pulled it to his. He said something to me but I can't figure out what he said. I woke up feeling disappointed and sad, because I knew that that dream wouldn't come true this time. I never knew this would affect me so strongly. But I guess that's what love does.

Missing him

While I lay here all I can think about is how happy I was with my Love by my side this same time last year. I'm thankful that my parents were able to come down and spend Easter with me again. I miss the way we watched crazy movies at night and laughed with my parents. I miss his strong arms wrapping around me to hug me. I miss his love. His voice. I miss everything about him. I just have to keep reminding myself that time heals all wounds.

Loser...

Being constantly reminded of how I need to make better friends or join a club and how sad it is that I don't get to see my boyfriend really is starting to put a damper on my mood. Everyday my mom calls and asks the same questions. EVERYDAY! This morning she went on and on about how she really wished I joined a sorority in college. She said she just knew that I'd have more friends and things to do. Everyday she asks me, "Don't you ever get tired of staying at home by yourself? If I were you I'd be dying right now." I tried getting into one while I was in school, three times actually, and it never worked. They never wanted me and I'm cool with that. Things happen for a reason and it just wasn't meant to be for me. She wants to "help me" get into a club or sorority. I don't think I need her help, I'm an adult now and it is what it is. I'm just trying to find my way and see where I fit in and I can do that on my own. It's frustrating, very frustrating. I'm trying to find my own happiness. What hurts even more is having to be questioned about my relationship on a daily basis. I'm tired of feeling pitied. I'm tired of being asked "Does he still love you?" or "Is he trying to surprise you and come up to see you?" No matter how many times I explain it or ask to just drop it I always have to hear it. Living with all this weighed down on my heart hurts way more than I imagined. Being so close to someone you love and not being able to touch or talk to them is the worse feeling ever. Almost like a punishment. But, like I've told myself before, it's what I deserve I guess. I know the reason for it and I understand it, it just hurts sometimes is all. Especially when you have someone that keeps digging in your wound when you're trying to let it heal. I'd just like to be left alone is all. 

Lightbulb!

So I'm laying in my bed reading my ”Runners” magazine and a thought comes to my head. Why not use the money that I spend going to a class I don't like going to towards 1/2 marathons and road races? I always talk about how I don't have the money to run in one, but if I cancel the class I rarely go to I'll have the money. And I'll actually like what I'm doing. The only thing to work out now is my training. How committed am I really going to be? This is something I feel like I'm gibb to have to do on my own. Although my friend has said she wanted to run with me she has yet to do ANYTHING with me. So this is going to have to be something I tackle. I have the resources. I have the finances. And I have the time. I need to take advantage of things while the time is right and get down to business. Running is the ONLY sport I haven't given up on. It's my passion. It's who I am. I'm tired of coming up with all these excuses. Now is the time for me to go out and do what I dream about at night and think about while I'm at work. It's time to show some true dedication.

Nothing else to do...