Morning Vent

I just want everything to be ok. I want everything to go back to the way it used to be. I'm so tired of this emotional rollercoaster. I wish it could be so simple to just say, "Ok, let's move on and work towards a better relationship" or "This isn't going to work, we need to break up". I'm not a big fan of slowly ripping the band-aid off at all. I don't like slow and painful anything. I like to rip the band aid off as fast as possible. I know not everyone works like that, and I can't even get mad at that. We all work differently. But I don't understand what's going on and you won't let me in. And it hurts so bad to hear you (or not hear you because you just sit on the phone in silence) when you're down. Part of me feels that way because I blame myself for how you feel. I know you have more than just our relationship to worry about, but when I talk to you and you don't tell me anything that's going on that's just what I assume. I know assuming can be bad, but that's just where my mind wonders to. You don't let me know anything that's going on at all. And I don't get it. I want to help you out. I want you to be happy. Maybe it's something that I just can't fix, but I want to be there to atleast let you vent or allow you to lean on a shoulder. Last Monday, my heart was filled with joy to talk to you and hear how happy you were. Last night felt so painful. I try my hardest not to let it show because the last thing I want you to be thinking about is how emotional I'm being along with whatever is bothering you. I've done a lot of spring cleaning within myself. I've been working on so much to make things better. Has the damage been too much for me to save things?Is it that unforgettable?What do you want me to do?I know you want a break and you don't want to talk, but then you have these moments where we talk on the phone it feels so refreshing and then the next day you don't want to talk or have nothing to say and you're cold again. What do you want me to do?I want to make you happy, but not at the expense to making a fool out of myself. I think I just need to cry it out.

I went to sleep with teary eyes and woke up this morning with teary eyes. Your mood affects mine. You have such a big impact on my life and my day. Work has been a drag. I've been trying to hide it but they can still see it in my face. I know I have to move on, but it's way more difficult than I thought.