Being constantly reminded of how I need to make better friends or join a club and how sad it is that I don't get to see my boyfriend really is starting to put a damper on my mood. Everyday my mom calls and asks the same questions. EVERYDAY! This morning she went on and on about how she really wished I joined a sorority in college. She said she just knew that I'd have more friends and things to do. Everyday she asks me, "Don't you ever get tired of staying at home by yourself? If I were you I'd be dying right now." I tried getting into one while I was in school, three times actually, and it never worked. They never wanted me and I'm cool with that. Things happen for a reason and it just wasn't meant to be for me. She wants to "help me" get into a club or sorority. I don't think I need her help, I'm an adult now and it is what it is. I'm just trying to find my way and see where I fit in and I can do that on my own. It's frustrating, very frustrating. I'm trying to find my own happiness. What hurts even more is having to be questioned about my relationship on a daily basis. I'm tired of feeling pitied. I'm tired of being asked "Does he still love you?" or "Is he trying to surprise you and come up to see you?" No matter how many times I explain it or ask to just drop it I always have to hear it. Living with all this weighed down on my heart hurts way more than I imagined. Being so close to someone you love and not being able to touch or talk to them is the worse feeling ever. Almost like a punishment. But, like I've told myself before, it's what I deserve I guess. I know the reason for it and I understand it, it just hurts sometimes is all. Especially when you have someone that keeps digging in your wound when you're trying to let it heal. I'd just like to be left alone is all.
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